“To be honest, before Derek confessed his sins, repented, and sought my grace in pious supplication, I was really looking forward to sitting on my throne and judging him,” said Christ, noting that if it were up to Him, Moehr would still be spiritually empty and adrift. “I definitely thought I’d be condemning him in a few decades and casting his soul into the lake of fire and brimstone. That was an idea that I was 100 percent behind.”

“I honestly never thought Derek of all people would actually commit his life to me,” the frustrated King of Kings added. “And frankly, I don’t see why this always has to be my responsibility.”

— Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source