Listen, I understand it must be tough to see someone you love break the circle of death and rebirth when you’re nowhere near accomplishing it. But the fact is, I glued myself to my meditation cushion all these years while you bedazzled yours to use as an accent pillow. Your negative emotional state toward me won’t get you close to enlightenment, believe me. That’s assuming you still want it. And can relegate your scrapbooking habit to the back burner long enough to open chakra one.

I know you’re upset about me abruptly quitting my job, but do you really think that an enlightened being should work the garden section of his local hardware store? After the Buddha emerged from under the Bodhi tree, did he start stacking bags of mulch? I always knew that at its core work was folly, but now I can’t ignore that fact any more. And, no, this has nothing to do with being overlooked for the assistant manager position, though that’s a case of spiritual discrimination if I’ve ever seen one. Did I tell you they wouldn’t let me wear my Ganesh T-shirt under my little red vest? Truth is, if I have to attend another Monday morning staff meeting with that asshole co-worker Brad, I’ll flip out and be back to spiritual square one.